A Crossy-Road-style parody · Cartoon only · 18+
Why did the human cross the road? Nobody remembers. Hop through traffic made of runaway produce, ride the keg rafts, stay off the tracks, and pick up vices that make the next hop harder than the last.
Free. No account. Saves to your device and nowhere else.
Live from the suburbs: Gary, the Mogul and the Beast, rendered by the game’s own models. The wobble is intentional.
Your browser could not render the diorama — three voxel regulars, Gary, the Mogul and the Beast, swaying on a strip of suburban grass beside the road. The game needs WebGL too, so that is worth fixing.
The roster
Pick a regular and you get their neighbourhood, their traffic and their vices. Three are free. The rest cost stash, which you earn by picking up things you probably shouldn’t.
the suburbs
Tank top, stain, one bottle he has been nursing since Tuesday.
Free
the campus
Has a 9 a.m. tomorrow. Has had one every day for three weeks.
Free
the cul-de-sac
Mows at 7 a.m. Legally, and out of spite.
Free
the bachelorette strip
It’s her night. It has been her night since Thursday.
Unlock · 15 stash
the retirement village
Sherry at four, bingo at six, never lost a hand.
Unlock · 20 stash
the gilded strip
Owns the strip. Cannot find his car on it.
Unlock · 30 stash
the iron paradise
Never skips leg day. Skips the crosswalk.
Unlock · 30 stash
the bustling city
Has a motorcade. Sent it home. Regrets it.
Unlock · 30 stash
The pickups
Every pickup adds to your stash. Every pickup also does something to you. Grab another to top it up. Each world renames them to match the neighbourhood, but the effect is the effect.
The camera sways and blurs. You stagger about.
Beer in the suburbs. Sherry at Nana’s. Champagne on the gilded strip.
Everything runs 1.65x faster. So do you.
The baggie in the suburbs. Pre-workout at the gym. Study pills on campus.
The world slows to half speed. So do you.
The syringe in the suburbs. Painkillers in the cul-de-sac. A morphine drip at Nana’s.
Colors melt and little green friends show up. They’re harmless.
The leaf in the suburbs. A dab pen on campus. A shroom shake at the gym.
Grab them when you see them
Two of them. Neither shows up before row ten, and neither shows up often.
Stand still too long, or fall behind the screen, and the world’s predator comes for you. It hovers for a moment before it grabs. If you are holding the hand, that moment is yours: flip it off. It leaves, offended. You live.
Double-tap, or press F, while it hovers.
Survive one hit. A carrot, a cash truck, a rolling wedding cake: one of them bounces off you. The next one does not.
Automatic. You will know when it is gone.
Sixty seconds of tutorial
Forward, back, left, right. Arrows and WASD work too. The screen keeps scrolling, so do not fall behind.
Water is not your friend tonight. Kegs, coolers, charpais, whatever floats in that world drifts with the current. Hop off before the edge.
When the lamps flash and the bell rings, stay off the tracks. The Juice Express, the Gains Train and the Money Train do not brake for anyone.
Bald eagle, cheel, buff pigeon, golden eagle, stork, pelican, campus goose, crow. Keep moving.
Or take it with you: the Android beta is coming soon.
Keep reading